Al-X

kendaikosh asked: I read your comment on my post, and I hope I can reach that point where it doesn't take me forever and a day to get over a girlfriend.

I haven’t posted in a while, but I figured I’d let you all know I’m not dead.

Getting over girlfriends is a fun game we all play.  After my first girlfriend broke up with me, it took me about two years to find thee sanity to say that I was actually ok.  Granted I fell in love with her when I was about 15 years old, so I was in the throes of teenage angst and discovery before we even got started, I believe that firsts can be hard for everyone.

Now, it takes me almost no time to get over girls, and it’s a strange feeling to move from years of pining to casual (and virtually painless) thoughts of what might have been/ things you did wrong.  I still experience that emptiness, but I think that’s more just moving from a point where a girl fills your time to a place where you fill your own time and are removed from that aura of cuddly romance.

I’m not making much sense; you’ll excuse me.

So, do you guys have stories of the transition from constant pining upon breakup to simply moving on?  I think readers who struggle with this might be comforted to know that things will be o-kay.

nerdlet asked: I have never tried binding, purely because I think my chest is too big (I'm a D).
If you do find any good methods, it'd be cool if you could pass them along.

I’ll let you know what i find.  Seems like most people are really anti-ace bandage, but it’s the cheapest method I know and I’m pretty desperate.  it’ll be a while before i can spend 30 dollars on a compression vest.

Day 4/30

Day 4 - The first person you came out to and that story

Wow.  I originally was going to answer the next day question to give my new followers something else to read (thanks for following by the way.  =D)

But as it  were, this is a really boring story.

I first came out when I realized that I COULD BE GAY.  I was in love my with freshment best friend and told her about how I was feeling and then angsted for a good bus ride’s worth of time.  Just put my head down and didn’t talk.  I think I may have cried.  I will remind/ inform that I was still Xian at this time and so any time my friend would try to comfort me by scratching or rubbing my back (whatever you like) I would just yell out,

“No!  You’re only making it worse!”

Yeah.  I was emo kid vs. 1.0.  I’m proud to say that I am not anymore.

So, yeah.  Not too exciting so far as coming out goes.

More exciting is the day I was outed, and the day I left home.

Back in the day, back when I was trying to get a tip at subway!

Goddang.  I can’t say that she isn’t fine-oh-fine.  Anyway, back to my story.

I had just gotten off work, and I’m pretty sure it had been a pretty good day.  I get home and my mom says,

Yeah.  I think you can place all the checks on the card.

anyway, she takes me to the computer where she pulls up what my young, young, naive self thought was my super privatized myspace.

There it sat!  My girlfriend at the time flirting all over my wall, my sexuality and relationship status, my definitely not-Catholic religion.

Then she threw the big word.

She called me a pedophile.

Yeah.  So I just walked out of the house, no shoes, no nothing, just in my work uniform, and drove away.  So began the adventures of finding friends to crash with and trying to hold down jobs and car insurance with no address.

It’s a great thing, it is.

I’m not such a great storyteller.  However, before I could pull out of the driveway my mom jumped in front of the car.  What went through my mind looked something like this.

I probably would have ran the bitch over, but we both knew she would move if my honda kept a rollin’.  I really wish I had still had my Trooper when that bullshit went down.

Anyone else want to share?

I need some help.

I just tried binding.  I have a C chest.  It was very difficult.  I was wondering if anyone had any tips on the subject.

So…  How do you ladies bind?

All Righty Then

I’m sure that title grabbed your attention

So there you go.  Well, instead of just answering questions I thought I’d try actually talking about something without tumblr feeding me the so-called inspiration.

I actually did have a reason for getting on and writing, if only I could remember what it was.

I do remember now, but before we get to that, lets talk about my book.

On The Road.

They’re making a movie.  Exciting right?

Well, guess who is playing Mary Lou?

This idiot.  This idiot who probably doesn’t know what On The Road IS.

Yeah.  So I’m pretty pissed.  In fact, there are absolutely ZERO actors who I think can actually play the roles they’ve been assigned.  The movie comes out in 2011 and is based on my favorite book.

AND I DON’T EVEN THINK IT’S WORTH GOING TO SEE.

I am a little more than miffed.  This isn’t even the right time period to be making this movie.  We need the good old black and white actors who could sing and dance and play trumpet (Trumpet optional).  But, whatever.  I don’t have the 25 mil to pay these morons to NOT make this movie.  

Anyway, I got on here to talk about me.  Which is why this tumblr exists.  Which is why I imagine most tumblrs exist.  But lets get to the point.

I’ve been back and forth from all sorts of places the past year.  It hasn’t been the best time of my life.  I imagine this is what got me onto the On The Road kick.  I am very beat in my lifestyle at the moment, and I am sad to know that I’m not sure how much longer this can last.  It’s fun to go to new places and meet new people, but I wonder when I’ll need to settle down.

I wonder if I’ll get back to school.

I wonder if the world will accept my identity.

I wonder if I’ll feel as caged now as I did before.  I just want to be myself, but that’s against the rules in my family.

I feel like I should have an idea of something to do, but I lack motivation.  And that isn’t something one is allowed to complain about.  I imagine that if I just moved back in with my parents I could have it all sorted, if I wanted to go back to school.  But what if I don’t want to go back to school?  What will I do instead?

I do wonder about these things.  I just don’t know where to go or what to do next.

Anyone know how to go about finding out?

Day 3/30

Day 3 - How old were you when you knew? What was that like for you?

Anyone know of the band Yelle?

That is completely irrelevant.

I was…  14-15 when I knew.  I had just started my freshmen year and got to be really good friends with a girl a year or so older than me.  At first it was just “friends cuddling on the bus.”  That was cool I guess.  But it meant something more for me.  Wasn’t just a friend thing.  I loved the way she smelled, more than anything, I think.  she scratched me once and I lost my mind.

How did I feel?  I hated myself.  My circle of friends was comprised of freestyle Christians (heretofore known as Xians), including myself.  It was wrong.  I was bad.  I didn’t understand why God was doing it to me.

As it were, I’m agnostic now (if you missed that bit last post), and I’m pretty damned happy with my sexuality.  I love women.

That was simple enough, I imagine.

Quick Thank You

Wanted to say thank you to everyone who has decided to follow me.  You give me warm fuzzies, ladies, gents, and gq’s.

Day 2/30

Day 2 - Did you have any experiences as a child that might have foreshadowed your sexuality? 

This is what I should have looked like as a child.  But lets get back on track.

As a child I often told my friends that I wanted to be a boy, or at least that I felt like I was one.  I was hardly girly enough to fit in with girls, but as it turned out I was kinda too weird to hang out with boys (not to mention we were all in the “cooties” stage).

A lot of the time I would say “I sound like a guy on the phone, don’t I?  I mean my voice is pretty deep.”  And things like that.  And since then I haven’t ever felt as though I could really connect with typically feminine women or bestially masculine men.

I also was taken advantage of sexually by some guys in middle/ high school.  That didn’t help my feelings towards men (kinda switching to sexuality without warning).  I honestly don’t think I understood what a dick really was until 10th-11th grade, but the first time I saw one I knew I didn’t want it.  I had been attracted to girls for a while before then, though I tried to stick to guys because I was still religious on some level (I am not anymore).  And that isn’t me hinting that I’m against religion.  I just don’t think I’ve found one I can really believe in as of yet, and if I never do that’s fine with me.  I’m comfortably agnostic.

Anyway, I feel like I’ve veered off track.  I guess that my gender identity kinda fueled my sexuality, though I wouldn’t say it decided it.  That is to say, my masculinity makes it hard for me to want to be the “bottom” in a relationship.

But honestly, girls just smell, act, taste, feel, etc so much better, don’t they lezzies?

(and besides, we can do this ^ blurry business in bed.  don’t believe me?  look a little more closely)

Yeah.  I’m a bit off topic.  So, I’ll try to give a tl;dr version

Genderqueer:

1. Felt like I didn’t fit in with boys or girls

Lesbian

1. Sexual Deception

2. Blurry Business

Sorry, I feel as though I did a poor job of answering this question.  Also my memory isn’t very good, so asking me questions about that far back is kinda worthless.

Until next post!

jocelynnhurt asked: Random question:
What is your favorite food?

How are you today?

Hm.  Not sure about my favorite food; I love so many of them.  First one that comes to mind is hummus.  Then pizza.  lol.  I love hummus and pizza.  That is an answer.

I’m kinda off today because of some weird ex-news.  Not something I’m too interested in explaining.  Other than that, I’m having an awesome week with my long-time friend in Asheville.

Day 1/30

Day 1 - Your sexual orientation or gender identity. Be creative in your definition

This is a picture of what my alphabet soup told me today.

Well, what it would have told me if my life were a contrived movie.

As it were, I am genderqueer, and I am attracted to women.  The attraction is physical, criticize me as you will, so I would not say I’m attracted to anyone who identifies as a woman.  I am attracted to that sex.

Being genderqueer, so far as I can tell, is a new thing to think about, and I find it can be somewhat difficult.  As I don’t identify as a man or a woman, people aren’t really sure of what to do with me when we are hanging out.  There are some parts of my body that I am happy with, and others that I am not.  But none of this is to say that I want to be specifically a man or a woman.

Sometimes I think that perhaps I will simply choose and gender and thereby I will find my niche, but I rather enjoy androgyny.  A friend of mine once described me as “the most human person she had ever met.”  I liked the idea.  While I cannot change my race or ethnic origin, I can break down some societal barriers in my person, even if it is a controversial thing at this time.

It can be lonely, and it can be transcendental.  Sometimes girls don’t understand and want to treat me as though I am only a girlfriend, when I feel that I am something different.  It is a difficult thing to explain, because there isn’t a gender-neutral pronoun that I’m aware of, and I am not a proponent of subject-pronoun disagreement (they, them).  If anyone has a suggestion of how to get around that, please post it.