Genderqueer
If you’re genderqueer I hope that you find me worthy enough to talk to, because I want this to be a blog about gender identity. I think this sort of thing is, at least for now, a great deal rarer than Gay or Lesbian groups, and it’s good to have a place to share your story with people who are like you. People in our situation, I think, need to know they’re not alone, or that they are allowed to talk about these issues.
I’ll start us off, I imagine.
My name is Alex. Ever since I was a kid I’ve been telling myself, and other people, that I should have been a boy. It was never something I talked about or that I thought was important to anyone, but throughout my life I have retained a certain “boyishness,” and the few times I have tried to cross over into a more feminine identity I have not felt comfortable, or happy, in any way.
I came to terms with my sexuality long before I really understood the complications of my gender identity. Being a lesbian seemed easier. While there was (and is) opposition to my unique orientation, there were still other lesbians, gay men, and bisexuals around me. I was never aware, though, that anyone else felt like I did about my body. It felt like it didn’t really fit. There were some parts I liked, and others that I could do without. I didn’t talk about it in high school, but I would smile when my friends would jokingly point out that I was a “good boyfriend,” or “such a gentleman.”
When I went to college I had a chance to redefine myself. I changed my name from “Allie” to “Alex” and began presenting myself as the “stone cold butch.” Even that, however, did not feel exactly right. The pronoun “she” made me cringe. I never wanted women to touch me in bed, because it wasn’t pleasant for me to have to acknowledge my breasts or vagina. Though I loved to touch women and to make them feel good, it was practically impossible for me to be comfortable enough to enjoy the reciprocation.
The odd thing was, I didn’t want to be a boy. I quit shaving my legs and played more and more with the idea of binding my breasts (though I have yet to do it, not for lack of wanting). I thought that my ideal body might be to take testosterone but only go through top surgery. While my body would be strange, I felt that it would be the perfect balance of who I was.
Then I began to think about the genitalia downstairs. though I’ve never felt comfortable enough to ask a woman to do this for me, I fantasized about wearing a strap-on and receiving blow jobs and found the idea pleasurable. I find myself hoping that my pants will fall in such a way that I will appear to have that masculine bulge, and try to dress in such a way that my breasts are not obvious, as I have yet to bind them. I prefer for people to assume that I am a boy then to realize I am a girl, and am somewhat disappointed when they do discover my gender.
I have decided to begin binding my breasts, and may go so far as to stuff my underwear and work on a more masculine voice, ensuring that people think I am a man upon meeting me.
I am estranged from my parents, though we try to get along. They do not want to help me too much, and I don’t really want their help as they have called me some harsh names, among them “pedophile” and “whore.”
So, ladies and gentlemen, tell me your stories and ask me your questions. Lets begin this mingling of the minds.
